Am I crazy???

Well........

It's official.....

I must be becoming certifiable......

There's no other explanation. It seems to be the only label I can put on myself lately. Blame it on pregnancy, blame it on hormones but bottom line is......

C-R-A-Z-Y........it fits.

I guess you want to know how I happened upon this completely BRILLIANT deduction?!? Sitting here contemplating life is how. Pretty simple actually. I am a complete worrier by nature, those of you that know me....you KNOW this. It's no surprise. It's 100% FACT. Most days I am pretty good at keeping things under control...but as of late...it's becoming a struggle.

Take today for example.....

I have the most caring, wonderful, and amazing man in my life, that I get to share the single most amazing thing in my life with. I feel so lucky sometimes and with that feeling comes the "I don't deserve to have this" feeling. Even before this little miracle happened along, I felt that way about him. I was a complete and total mess. I pushed him out of my life, and stepped up and took care of a lot of things. Knowing how much he meant to me and how horrible I was being, I did what I thought I had to. Finally, I got my act together. Took care of the things that needed attention and got myself in a good place for the first time in what seemed like ages....but there wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't kick myself for pushing him away...nor was there a day, that I didn't break down in tears at some point because I missed him so much. Luckily for me, by some miracle - he gave me the second chance I SOOO did not feel I deserved. It was so much better than before!!! We became completely amazing together, I hadn't been this happy ever =).......

Now...you're probably saying....."okay so WHAT'S the worry???"......I will tell you:

We are now 8 weeks away from becoming parents....little scary, huh?? I just feel like I worked so hard to get back to being myself before and now being pregnant (as WONDERFUL as it is) has taken that away from me and from him. I have become a nightmare to be with, at least I see it that way. I don't mean to but I complain a lot about things....like:

My feet hurt.....My back hurts......I'm tired....I'm scared....

It seems to go on and on.....I know that is SOOOO not attractive after awhile...I bet it's down right ANNOYING!!! Heck I annoy myself after awhile!! I need to just put on my big girl panties and deal. It's not so much that I expect someone to DO anything about my complaints..I just find myself voicing them out loud. I think starting today, I will TRY to not share so much negative out loud. Maybe that will help some. My self image is pretty much shot as far as self confidence right now. Every time I have ever put on weight, I feel blah. I know that this time is different, but for him I feel bad. I went from feeling wonderful about myself and looking pretty okay....to this. It's hard to find clothes that flatter or make you not feel like a beached whale. Sometimes I get down and I just give up. I don't think anyone would want to be with that.....I know I wouldn't. He keeps telling me, not to worry........I love him more than anything.....I try to make sure he knows that to the point where maybe sometimes THAT gets old. I just want to have him and my little girl...my family. I want to finally have the very thing I have always dreamed of having of my own, that for some reason - I have never felt I deserved or would ever have.....Worry ...worry ....worry...

I am C-R-A-Z-Y.......yeah, I told you......I guess the first step is admitting it....

Where to go from here.....

So...no more complaining...about pain, tiredness, or anything of the kind. Can't do anything about it...so no sense in talking about it. That's number one. Nobody likes a whiner......can't say that I blame them.

Secondly - start finding one good thing everyday instead of focusing on what I feel is the negative. Maybe those negative things will go away. One can only hope......if they don't...well..... at least I won't be bothering anyone with them. I'm hoping these few small things will help me with feeling lost, scared and not myself. Not to mention- maybe ease the anxiety that has me sit straight up in bed at least once a night. That, I do try to keep to myself. It wouldn't make sense to anyone, but it happens and I manage. Some of my baby forum people assure me that it's the hormones and all pregnant women do it, some how.......that's not very comforting at 3 A.M........

I have made one kind of big step for me......For Mother's Day - Joe bought me the most adorable baby book, you know - the kind that you write down all kinds of stuff about me, him, and family........I wanted so badly to write in it but I had this fear that if I did, something bad would happen. He would ask when I was going to write in it and I would have some excuse about not having enough time, I think I may have even told him why I didn't write in it for real. Well I am happy to report that I am on my fourth page. I have started her book and I am glad I did. I just couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. You all probably think I'm some sort of lunatic......I swear I'm not.....well........maybe a little. I have even gone so far as to buy a pack of diapers, baby powder, baby lotion, and etc....because when she comes, if it's early...I want to be prepared....(notice I said WHEN...not if...that too is a big step for me).

I guess I'm kind of using this post today to try and clear my mind of some of the craziness that swirls around and has been causing me grief.....maybe if it's out here, then it will stay out of my little whirly brain.....

My very last worry to put out here:

I worry that my most wonderful man, may feel like he's suddenly starting to miss out on a lot of things he enjoys doing, because I can't do them. Like hanging out late with friends, or like the upcoming float trip with friends. I tried to tell him that just because I can't go doesn't mean he can't. I feel so honored that he would miss out on my behalf, but if he really wants to go, I don't want him to be resentful later that he didn't. Both of our lives will change significantly once little miss gets here, there will be a lot of good, but a lot of missing out on other stuff. I want him to enjoy himself now, do the things he wants to do =).....I don't mind missing out right now, I know it's for a wonderful reason and it can't be avoided.

I know you guys are probably bummed from my lack of comedy today, but I needed some self therapy =).....promise next time won't be so awfully blah....