Looking back.....

Wow.....

Last night while I was laying in bed....I started to think.

I was starting to feel old and I began to revisit old memories. How many of you ever do this? Is it just me? Is it some weird affliction I have?? I lay there and tried to see what my earliest memory was.....

It's kind of strange the things we choose to remember, or maybe we don't choose. Maybe some weird cosmic force decides for us. Maybe we remember things for a reason, although some of my memories leave me baffled as to why they're still floating around in the vast cavern I call my memory. I wonder if they're important in some bizarre fashion...will they give me direction when I feel lost??? Some maybe. Others? I doubt it.

As far as I can tell, the earliest thing I can remember has to do with my first real bed. I guess I must have been about 5 or so?? My Mom would know but I'm not sure. I can see it clear as day. I remember almost every little detail about that bed, in fact, I remember just about everything in my bedroom in general. I haven't lived in that house since I was like 9 or 10, but I remember. It was a white canopy bed with gold trim and the canopy was this cute patchwork like design. It was still big for me. Standing next to it, it came up to just below my shoulders. I had to throw myself up on it when I tried to get in it. I absolutely loved it. The canopy became the place where I put my teeth when they finally fell out, the tooth fairy would leave me 2 quarters for every tooth......I wonder what she leaves these days??? I hear it's like 5 bucks!! My room was in the basement and there was an old door that no one used anymore that lead to the outside. In the window of that door, I always had a paper Japanese Lantern that hung there. Every 4th of July we would get one to light off, I would watch it spin round and round throwing off pretty sparks. When it was done it would pop open and reveal a cute paper lantern. Then mom would hang it in my room in that window. I had a few posters on the wall. Popeye was one - the one with Robin Williams. I think I had a few animal posters too. They used to scare me sometimes........

I'm not sure what possible use I may ever have for remembering that. Who knows??

OH!! I have one other and my Mom is going to love me for this.

It took me forever to learn how to ride a bike. My brother who is a year younger than me learned before I did. I was quite content to ride my pink and white big wheel....my mom decided she was going to teach me. I remember the bike clearly. It was Blue and it had a red, white, and blue sparkly banana seat and streamers on the handle bars that matched. My mom held the back of the bike and let me pedal. Apparently she had been letting go here and there and just walked behind me. I guess I was okay as long as I knew she was holding on. I happened to look back and realized she wasn't holding on.......

I FREAKED!!!!

Not a mild freak but hysterics....screaming my little head off. In an attempt to get my attention, because her telling me to stop was having zero effect, she reached out to slap my check to get my attention. I was in a zone. About the time she reached out, I turned my head....

Can you guess what happened??? Any idea???

WHAMO!!! - right in my nose...for a normal little kid it probably wouldn't have done much damage, but I didn't happen to be normal. Never have been. Never will. I happened to be one of those awesomely lucky kids that had nose bleeds for no particular reason. SO....as soon as hand connected with nose, the bleeding began. So the freak out continued. I jumped off my bike and ran crying down the alley. If you were a neighbor or nosy busybody, you would have yelled CHILD ABUSE!!!

Now the only message I get from that memory is - DO NOT WHACK LILY IN THE NOSE!!! Sounds good anyway.

I don't know why I'm sharing all this with you, maybe cause this is my blog and I CAN???

Then there's always the "first" memories. The first bike ride. The first best friend. First days at new schools (I had a few of those). It's funny how those "first" memories bring back the actual feelings. I can feel the fear and nausea just thinking about my first day of high school. Fear of getting lost, fear of forgetting my schedule, fear of forgetting my locker combination......well...just fear of everything. To make matters worse...I was unusually scared of EVERYTHING!!! It made things a billion times worse for me.

How about your "first" kiss??? I know there's got to be tons of you out there that remember that moment in detail???

Come on, be honest....

I know I can't be the only one to remember the butterflies in the stomach, the heat rising to your face, and the nervous anticipation. I remember.....I remember clearly.

I'll not disclose names, but I'll just use initials for anonymity. MS was the first boy who ever kissed me. I was 14 and I remember everything right down to the song playing on the jukebox in my basement. It was a cool basement, we had a pinball machine and a jukebox (it played 45's..yeah, I'm THAT old). It was right after school started for the year or right before. I had never ever kissed a boy in my life. I had a "boyfriend" in 8th grade, but back then it was only hand holding and he actually broke up with me because I wouldn't kiss him...stupid boys...ANYWAY....we were in the basement playing pinball I believe, the dumbest song ever was playing on the jukebox .......

Okay...seriously

Don't laugh....

really...don't.

It was "Wild Wild West" - by The Escape Club. I guess it was cool at the time cause I was playing it?!?! I remember the butterflies, I remember the music..I remember it all. To this day, if that song comes on...that's the memory that pops in my head....ahhhhh...to be young again.

Don't get me wrong, there's quite a few bad memories that I doubt I'll ever be able to erase. But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'd want to. Everything that happened in my life, well it happened for a reason. I wouldn't have learned the lessons with out the mistakes. I wouldn't be near as strong if my life had been sugarplums and candy canes......I wouldn't trade any lesson I learned for a million bucks. I might go back and redo somethings a little different if I could.....

But I can't.

And there's no use spending my days wishing I could. I just know better next time.

Every path I chose, every choice I made...got me where I am today. I wouldn't have it any other way. My life hasn't been easy but I have so many good memories, they out weigh the bad. I just hope that my little Lily has wonderful memories like some of the ones I have to look back on when she's older.