Starting to freak out!!

Okay....

So lately I have been gathering all the things I will need to take to the hospital.....and frankly...just THINKING about the hospital is sort of ....

well......

FREAKING ME OUT!!

Last week - Joe and I did the Childbirth Prep Class at St. John's. It was sort of a crash course filled with lots of videos of women with awful contorted faces in pain and the whole experience really was no comfort....I hate pain. I am a giant cry baby.....I feel bad for poor Joe, who will probably want to kill me before this is all over.....

I have 5 weeks left and it still seems like it's forever away....

Yesterday was a productive day off....I spent it cleaning her room, washing all her blankets and clothes (and MAN there was alot of clothes)....I wanted to cry holding her tiny little socks, just thinking that in a few weeks there will be teeny tiny little feet to put those on just brought tears to my eyes....Damn hormones =)...part of me is soooo excited and ready for her to be here, the other part kind of likes her where she is - No crying =)....I am NOT the world's most patient person...as if you didn't know that already....and when out in public, other people's screaming kids make me want to yank my hair out. I hear that it changes when they're yours.....man I hope so. Even with my nieces and nephews, I tend to run short on the patience side. I feel horrible about it, but a fact is a fact. Even my pups tend to drive me batty at least once a week....or more like once a day these days =)....Joe is one of the most patient people I know, so hopefully together we can manage to do an awesome job.....

I was also extra surprised to learn that I had to pick a pediatrician before they'd even let our baby girl come home!! Ummm...wouldn't you think that my doctor should have maybe given me that important little piece of info?? Uh, yeah....he's pretty much useless and if I ever have another one, I will NOT be using them. I got a referral from the instructor at class and I called them today. I have an appointment to meet with her. Does anyone have any idea what I am supposed to ask? At least we will have one and they can't keep our little girl hostage =)...

It's kind of amazing the things they want you to pack for the hospital....there's like a list of 30 things!! Stuff like - aromatherapy oil, snacks, and the funniest written on the list was on the list for stuff for Joe.......

- Mints or chewing gum for fresh breath because your partner may be extra sensitive to odors during labor!!

Wow...they are really worried that a hormonal woman might come unglued cause their mate has bad breath...Sheesh.... what am I about to turn into??? They also suggest you bring a video camers...Uh...NO...there's no way in hell anyone is video taping ANYTHING that comes out from down there!!! A camera for afterward?? Most definitely, but during..NO WAY.

How about a "Hot Rice Sock"???? Anyone??? Have never in my life heard of this...

I almost feel like I'm planning for a romantic weekend getaway....music, LED candle, Aromatherapy oil, massage oils.......isn't this what got us into this to begin with?!? =).......I have the bags packed...well at least one with most of that stuff including toothpaste, tooth brushes, deodorant....etc....I want to be a little presentable when people come to see her!!! I did remember to pack all these things for Daddy to be as well as snacks and stuff for him. I just hope we remember to grab the bags when it's time!! I can see us running out the door with out it =)....then WHAT???

I'm trying to decide what to pack for little miss to bring her home in. It supposed to be October...will it be warm? Cool? I have no idea!!! There's so much to remember and try and have ready!! My Mom makes fun of me for always being OVER-PREPARED.....oh well, I guess we all have our issues!! I'd rather be over than under-prepared...how about you??

There are lots of things I am REALLY looking forward to:

Holding her for the first time.
Looking at her face.
Holding her tiny hands in mine.
Listening to her breathe.
Smelling that baby smell =)
Sharing her with Joe.
Being able to walk normal =)
Being able to like food again.

I want to cry just thinking about the first few things =) ......Damn hormones

I'm sure I will be worrying my little head off between now and 5 weeks from now =) Feel free to share your advice on how to deal in the mean time =)

Let's have a talk......

I am beginning to come to the conclusion that maybe it's not my hormones that may be causing my maddening case of road rage.....nope maybe I am not to blame at all. I am thinking that, in fact, the ones to blame are the ones that simply........



CAN'T DRIVE.



PERIOD.



I thought that maybe today I could give some friendly advice, some that maybe, and I mean maybe, might help educate the driving incompetent....

The problem lies with......

WHERE THE HECK TO BEGIN!!!

I know that time is limited, and there would be absolutely NO WAY that we could address every issue, but I guess a good place to start would be utilizing the different components that all cars are equipped with. Believe it or not people, some of these particular items SERVE A PURPOSE!!!

Oh where, oh where to begin........

We can start with.....OH! I KNOW!!!....on your steering column...there's a lever.....depending on what kind of vehicle you drive - it maybe on the left or the right. It has a reason for being, it has a purpose in it's life....can anyone of you guess what it's called????

Anyone????

That's RIGHT boys and girls!!! it's called a blinker!!! A turn signal!!!
Do you know what it's for??? Here.....I'll help you out.....

When driving down the highway and the need to change lanes occurs, this little miracle of modern invention alerts us to the fact that you are performing that particular action. Then being the responsible drivers we are, can adjust our position. The second part of the highway use is rather important too......once finished positioning your vehicle int he appropriate lane, you must then.....

TURN THE DAMN THING OFF!!!!

I can't stress this little detail enough. It's bad enough when morons don't use that particular tool, but it's even worse when they leave it on and you are following behind, being next to, and just plain waiting for the dumb-ass to complete what we think is an intended action.....and THEY DON'T....

My biggest pet peeve in the world is following behind someone on a street or road and they are doing 20 - 25 MPH with their blinker on and they just keep driving.....and driving....and driving.....I'm waiting and waiting for them to turn....UGH!!!!

Another fabulous invention put on our wonderful vehicles is something we all use in our homes daily!! At least I hope when you get ready to leave for some where you do....it's shiny and shows reflections of things in them.....anyone???

Say it with me........ MIRRORS!!!

M-I-R-R-O-R-S

That's right people. These too, are in place for a particular purpose.....

Because most of us were not born with eyes in the backs of our heads, these little shiny tools make it possible for us to see things that are behind us, beside us, and various degrees of these positions....This is VERY important. It enables us to assess the situation around us before we make any sudden movements....example - changing lanes perhaps??? Because a lane you may want to use, maybe already occupied....it's a good idea to find out BEFORE trying to move there and being loudly reminded by the blowing of the occupier's horn!! The lanes were built for one automobile...not two. The sharing of lanes could result in screeching brakes, crushed metal, and vulgar obscenities being shared. No one wants that......I mean really......these tools don't cost extra, they come with the car.........

USE THEM!!!

My last tool instruction for the day.......

On every vehicle produced, there is another helpful tool. It usually sits right behind the steering wheel or off to the side. It is located near the gas gauge (I know you all know what the gas gauge is).....it has numbers on it that usually range in increments of 5 or 10 and has a little rod that moves sort of left to right......it's called.......

are you ready????

A SPEEDOMETER

This tool if used properly could reduce alot of road rage in my opinion. You see, it has been decided by various departments how fast one should travel in particular areas.....there are even SIGNS that tell you what speed you should be traveling at.....

THESE ARE NOT SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE!!!

If a sign says 60MPH...then do 60MPH...not 35, not 40.....if you can't drive it...STAY OFF THE ROAD or find one that fits your particular driving habits!!! If you feel the need to do 80MPH or 90MPH....go buy a damn race car and go to the track....I don't want to risk dying because you can't slow your ass down.....thanks, but no thanks......

I hope that this may help educate some people....I hope this sheds some light on why there are road ragers.......if we all work together, we can all be happy drivers =)........

Yeah, like that'll happen......

Am I crazy???

Well........

It's official.....

I must be becoming certifiable......

There's no other explanation. It seems to be the only label I can put on myself lately. Blame it on pregnancy, blame it on hormones but bottom line is......

C-R-A-Z-Y........it fits.

I guess you want to know how I happened upon this completely BRILLIANT deduction?!? Sitting here contemplating life is how. Pretty simple actually. I am a complete worrier by nature, those of you that know me....you KNOW this. It's no surprise. It's 100% FACT. Most days I am pretty good at keeping things under control...but as of late...it's becoming a struggle.

Take today for example.....

I have the most caring, wonderful, and amazing man in my life, that I get to share the single most amazing thing in my life with. I feel so lucky sometimes and with that feeling comes the "I don't deserve to have this" feeling. Even before this little miracle happened along, I felt that way about him. I was a complete and total mess. I pushed him out of my life, and stepped up and took care of a lot of things. Knowing how much he meant to me and how horrible I was being, I did what I thought I had to. Finally, I got my act together. Took care of the things that needed attention and got myself in a good place for the first time in what seemed like ages....but there wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't kick myself for pushing him away...nor was there a day, that I didn't break down in tears at some point because I missed him so much. Luckily for me, by some miracle - he gave me the second chance I SOOO did not feel I deserved. It was so much better than before!!! We became completely amazing together, I hadn't been this happy ever =).......

Now...you're probably saying....."okay so WHAT'S the worry???"......I will tell you:

We are now 8 weeks away from becoming parents....little scary, huh?? I just feel like I worked so hard to get back to being myself before and now being pregnant (as WONDERFUL as it is) has taken that away from me and from him. I have become a nightmare to be with, at least I see it that way. I don't mean to but I complain a lot about things....like:

My feet hurt.....My back hurts......I'm tired....I'm scared....

It seems to go on and on.....I know that is SOOOO not attractive after awhile...I bet it's down right ANNOYING!!! Heck I annoy myself after awhile!! I need to just put on my big girl panties and deal. It's not so much that I expect someone to DO anything about my complaints..I just find myself voicing them out loud. I think starting today, I will TRY to not share so much negative out loud. Maybe that will help some. My self image is pretty much shot as far as self confidence right now. Every time I have ever put on weight, I feel blah. I know that this time is different, but for him I feel bad. I went from feeling wonderful about myself and looking pretty okay....to this. It's hard to find clothes that flatter or make you not feel like a beached whale. Sometimes I get down and I just give up. I don't think anyone would want to be with that.....I know I wouldn't. He keeps telling me, not to worry........I love him more than anything.....I try to make sure he knows that to the point where maybe sometimes THAT gets old. I just want to have him and my little girl...my family. I want to finally have the very thing I have always dreamed of having of my own, that for some reason - I have never felt I deserved or would ever have.....Worry ...worry ....worry...

I am C-R-A-Z-Y.......yeah, I told you......I guess the first step is admitting it....

Where to go from here.....

So...no more complaining...about pain, tiredness, or anything of the kind. Can't do anything about it...so no sense in talking about it. That's number one. Nobody likes a whiner......can't say that I blame them.

Secondly - start finding one good thing everyday instead of focusing on what I feel is the negative. Maybe those negative things will go away. One can only hope......if they don't...well..... at least I won't be bothering anyone with them. I'm hoping these few small things will help me with feeling lost, scared and not myself. Not to mention- maybe ease the anxiety that has me sit straight up in bed at least once a night. That, I do try to keep to myself. It wouldn't make sense to anyone, but it happens and I manage. Some of my baby forum people assure me that it's the hormones and all pregnant women do it, some how.......that's not very comforting at 3 A.M........

I have made one kind of big step for me......For Mother's Day - Joe bought me the most adorable baby book, you know - the kind that you write down all kinds of stuff about me, him, and family........I wanted so badly to write in it but I had this fear that if I did, something bad would happen. He would ask when I was going to write in it and I would have some excuse about not having enough time, I think I may have even told him why I didn't write in it for real. Well I am happy to report that I am on my fourth page. I have started her book and I am glad I did. I just couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. You all probably think I'm some sort of lunatic......I swear I'm not.....well........maybe a little. I have even gone so far as to buy a pack of diapers, baby powder, baby lotion, and etc....because when she comes, if it's early...I want to be prepared....(notice I said WHEN...not if...that too is a big step for me).

I guess I'm kind of using this post today to try and clear my mind of some of the craziness that swirls around and has been causing me grief.....maybe if it's out here, then it will stay out of my little whirly brain.....

My very last worry to put out here:

I worry that my most wonderful man, may feel like he's suddenly starting to miss out on a lot of things he enjoys doing, because I can't do them. Like hanging out late with friends, or like the upcoming float trip with friends. I tried to tell him that just because I can't go doesn't mean he can't. I feel so honored that he would miss out on my behalf, but if he really wants to go, I don't want him to be resentful later that he didn't. Both of our lives will change significantly once little miss gets here, there will be a lot of good, but a lot of missing out on other stuff. I want him to enjoy himself now, do the things he wants to do =).....I don't mind missing out right now, I know it's for a wonderful reason and it can't be avoided.

I know you guys are probably bummed from my lack of comedy today, but I needed some self therapy =).....promise next time won't be so awfully blah....