It's time...

I can't put it off any longer.....

It's time to get rid of this baby-weight.

I'm tired of getting up in the morning and having feet that hurt. I'm tired of getting up in the morning and realizing that pants are getting a tad bit more snug every couple days. It's a bummer, it's a reality check....it just down right SUCKS!!!

For those of you who have been around a while (Kelly)...you know that a couple years ago, I found myself completely disgusted with how I looked, how I felt, and hated how I had let myself just go. I went from a healthy 140 or so, to a not so nice 185.....I felt blah. My feet hurt all the time and I found myself having to buy the biggest size I have ever had to buy......I went from a size 9/10 to a size 16 almost 18. It was a nightmare for me to have to buy clothes....I cried my eyes out like a baby anytime I stepped foot in a changing room. I would try on pair after pair of size 16 jeans until I found a pair that fit. I would go from store to store. If it took me all day, I found a pair. All of this because I refused to buy a size18. I told myself I would NEVER go up another size.

Don't get me wrong. By NO means am I looking down on people that happen to be "healthy" or that happen to be anywhere near that size. It just wasn't the right fit for me. It made me feel very depressed, very worthless, and very much like a someone with nothing to care about. I know you may think -

"Wow, how shallow."

Not really. You can think what you like, but ultimately the only opinion that mattered at the time was my own. And my opinion of myself at that time was low....very low....bottom of the barrel.....I stopped caring about how I looked, stopped doing things like styling my hair, putting on make-up, and started not caring what I wore. I dressed myself in big sweatshirts trying to disguise, even hide how I looked. Instead of hiding myself, I actually made myself look worse. I didn't know it at the time.

The day came....

I was shopping for a pair of work pants. About 30 pairs later, I still could not find a size 16 that fit me.....I broke down. I cried. Then I bought my first pair of size 18 pants. I had no choice. It was the worst day ever for me. I vowed then and there - "I would NEVER buy another pair." - and I meant it.

I had half hearted tried, what seemed like millions of times to lose some of the weight prior to this. You know all those fabulous "lose weight quick" methods?? I tried the pills that raised your metabolism. I tried the pills that blocked the fat you consumed for each meal. I tried pills that made you lose "water weight". I had tried just about every pill there was. While taking them, I'd weigh myself everyday. When I didn't see any kind of result....I'd lose heart, drop my head and have a hot fudge sundae. What was the point? I was getting no where. Exercising was tiring just thinking about it. I had joined a gym a couple years before and stuck to that for about 2 months. It seemed like so much work and to be honest, I didn't think it would work either. The results just weren't coming fast enough for me. To make matters worse, I smoked. I wanted to quit. I really did. But I was absolutely TERRIFIED because everyone tells you that when you quit, you put on 10 more pounds...

10 MORE POUNDS?????

No way, no how. Not an option. I couldn't bare the thought of being 190 pounds plus. I smoked more. I figured if quitting made you gain weight...hey, maybe smoking more might help you lose it.

Get hungry??

Grab a smoke. Seemed logical at the time.

Yes, I know how flawed that thinking was. Yes, I do know how dumb that sounds, but trust me, if you have been there..then you know EXACTLY how bad you feel and if it makes you feel just a little better, then you do it.

The day I had to buy a size 18, I promised myself a change. I kept that promise. I got my jelly butt off the couch. I bought a fabulous MP3 player. I bought a comfy pair of walking shoes. I quit buying candy. I quit eating out at work and grudgingly took my lunch - consisting of yogurt, veggies, and soup.

Did I mention that in my basement I had a sweet treadmill that cost me 600.00??? Yep sure did. Had like 2 inches of dust on it, used it maybe 4 times or so before I gave up because there were no "instant results". I dusted that sucker off. It was time to put it to good use. I made a plan. American Idol season something was starting. I made it a point to be in place on that treadmill at the beginning of that show and walk until that hour was over. That first week was hard...VERY HARD. I walked for an hour, walked maybe a mile and a half. I was winded, my feet hurt and I hated every single minute. I felt my thighs jiggle with every step and it made me sick. The second week got a little easier. Along with walking everyday, I got myself a calendar. On this calendar I weighed myself and wrote down the number every single morning, every single day. Whether the numbers went up or down, I refused to judge my success by the day. I began taking the number at the end of the week as the point to measure my progress.

When I began my little mission, it was January. Waaaaayyyyyy to cold for me to get my butt outside and walk, so I continued in my basement. Me, American Idol, and that damned treadmill....we became one. After a couple weeks, I realized that I was getting faster. I was now up to 2 miles in that hour and it was beginning to feel easy. Since Idol was only on 2 days a week, I looked for other shows to be my partners. I had Bones on Monday, Idol on Tuesday, Idol on Wednesday, CSI on Thursday.....Friday was my day off.....

The first & second months, I lost maybe a pound and a half a week. I was getting results. They weren't as fast as I had hoped, but they were coming. As it gradually began to warm up outside, I began walking 2 miles on the treadmill (which only took about 35 minutes now) and took my weight loss party outside. I walked my neighborhood. I lived on an awful, horrendous hill. Actually, I lived at the bottom. The first day I walked it, I panted, I grunted, I groaned, and I lost my breath...but I made it up that damn hill...I did that once a day, 3 days a week. I was still smoking..sad to say. After a month or so of that, I made it up and down that hill 2 times a day in addition to my 2 miles on the treadmill.

I watched the numbers on that calendar go from 185 to 140.....

It didn't happen over night. it didn't happen in a month....

In fact, it took about 8 months. I lost 45 pounds. I felt awesome. I went down to a size 9!! I started buying clothes that fit, I started getting my hair done, getting my nails done. I felt good about me. I smiled more, I laughed more, and I had so much more confidence...I even went and got my navel pierced AND an awesome tattoo on my side.

THEN......

I got pregnant.

I was so excited about being a Mom. I was also terrified of getting all that weight back. While I was thankful I had lost all that weight before getting pregnant, I was certainly NOT looking forward to seeing what the end result was going to look like. At each appointment I cringed at the thought of stepping on that scale....I watched the numbers crawl and creep up at every single appointment. By the end.....

I was 195.

I felt like crying, but deep down I knew this was different. I wasn't gaining just to gain. I was growing a new life and she was worth every pound =). After I had her, my one week check up provided me with a glimmer of hope. I was already down to 172....giving birth I lost 23 pounds.

WHOO HOO!!! Go me!!!

Then reality hit. For the first 8 weeks, I was pretty much house bound. I ate, I sat, and I did it all over again everyday. I haven't been on a scale yet, but I see pictures and I am getting that same disappointment. I see 3 chins. I see turkey neck. I feel jelly thighs. My feet constantly ache like they did before and I am wearing somewhere between a 14 and 16. I have been preferring running pants to jeans. Here I go again.

So it's time. I'm done.

Wednesday I made a trip to Shoe Carnival. I bought 2 pairs of athletic shoes. I bought the Sketcher's Shape-Ups (99.99 ugh). They're supposed to help tone your legs, butt, and core muscles...huh, we'll see. My second pair, I chose New Balance......for the gym. Yes, I said the gym. I sold my beloved treadmill because when I moved, I had no where to go with it. So now, I plan on joining the gym. I just hope I get some of the same results, if not better ones. I should mention that when I got pregnant, I quit smoking. So now, I'm about to see what kind of difference that will make. I'm hoping alot. As I write this, I'm eating my last bits of chocolate. I will be buying no more in the near future. I have done it before, I can do it again. I have waaayyyy more motivation this time. I have my daughter. I want to be happy, healthy and the best I can be for her.

American Idol has started........

So now, it's time to do it again.....